


Healing

by anoptimaldoll



Series: Coping Mechanisms [2]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Drinking, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29820495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoptimaldoll/pseuds/anoptimaldoll
Summary: I would advise you to not read this if you have any chances of getting triggered by the mentions of self-harm. If you do, please don't read and reach out for help. And also please don't stop taking your medications without asking your doctor/supervision.That being said, if you do end up reading hope you like these little short song-fics of mine <3
Relationships: Marcin "Jankos" Jankowski/Mihael "Mikyx" Mehle
Series: Coping Mechanisms [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2191830
Comments: 9
Kudos: 18





	1. High Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I would advise you to not read this if you have any chances of getting triggered by the mentions of self-harm. If you do, please don't read and reach out for help. And also please don't stop taking your medications without asking your doctor/supervision. 
> 
> That being said, if you do end up reading hope you like these little short song-fics of mine <3

_After all Mihael was so beautiful that he was Marcin’s medicine._

The truth was, Marcin had already seen a psychiatrist some time ago. So when his doctor suggested he see someone from the mental health clinic, he had another reason why not to. They had given him bottled pills that they called medicine for depression, but no drug helped him forget his pain better than Mihael did. He was high on his love and didn’t need those anymore.

He didn’t like anyone better than Mihael. His eyes were like a forest, in which he would lose himself and his voice was sweeter than anything he could ever imagine. Mihael was his citadel and the killer of all his pain. He was his safe place and Marcin would do anything for him, even live.

Life itself wasn’t something Marcin liked, not before he fell in love at least. He used to exist, go through his days without feeling any emotions and seek relief in alcohol and the redness of his blood. There was simply nothing before Mihael in his life that was worth all the pain; no sorrow, no joy, no pleasure. His mind wouldn’t work and words would just come out of his mouth. He wouldn’t feel anything, yet he would react. There wasn’t a Marcin before Mihael, at least not an alive one.

So after his promise, he had stopped with it all. Drinking, not taking care of himself and even opening up his own wounds. He became clean but never could’ve imagined how much lonelier and desperate he would get. It was also after that, that he stopped taking his pills without telling and revisiting his psychiatrist. He was still high on how gentle and loving Mihael had sounded when he said “I’m yours.” for the first time. But not all the changes that came with the pleasure and hope that Mihael gave him, were beautiful.

Sleep never came to Marcin anymore. Whenever he closed his eyes, he would relive all of his traumas and the memories he had been trying so hard to bury would come back to him. His heart would start to beat uncontrollably fast and he would feel like choking. Thoughts would start swarming his mind and the voices in his head wouldn’t shut up. And far away from the sleep he desired, Marcin would let himself drown on his own tears. He would trace over the painting he had made on the canvas that was his skin and try to imagine Mihael’s soft fingers brushing over them, making them disappear. Even if he knew that could never be possible.

Marcin was a mess, he was aware of that. There wasn’t a day he would go through without thinking how broken he was. His scars weren’t only on his body, but rather all throughout his soul. Shards of his past life were buried deep inside his mind and heart, holding him back, keeping him away from making his love complete. He didn’t deserve Mihael, but wanted nothing more than to stay with him. His life didn’t mean anything if he wasn’t there and he could only feel when he was with him. The man that he had made his promise to was phenomenal, and had gotten him good. He was his last chance to stay and to change.

It was all fine. He had Mihael, so there wasn’t any reason to feel this alone and worthless anymore. He was clean for some time now, he had a job and someone that he loved. Everyone had their problems, so what if he couldn’t sleep anymore? He was fine as long as Mihael was by his side. If Mihael could hold his hands that were capable of great distraction so lovingly, then Marcin could surely get over this. He didn’t need any drugs or to see a psychiatrist. He was already high enough on the hope that Mihael brought him and he could survive only with him, for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm once again not sure what this is. It probably is a short mess, so sorry for that. The song for this chapter is High Enough by K. Flay and somehow seemed very fitting after Hypochondriac. Though I kind of drifted a bit away from the song while I was writing, so it is kind of different. I actually have no idea what to say as I don't have an explanation for this, so I'm going to stop rambling now. Hope you liked it and thank you for reading. Sending so much love <3


	2. Lost My Mind

The moments he spent with Mihael in his room were the only moments of comfort for Marcin. His mind seemed to be calm in the messy room and the many voices in his head would usually be replaced by the sound Mihael playing on the piano. The soft sounds of the instrument and the sweet, quiet voice of the man he loved more than anything, even life itself, would make him feel loved and belonging. 

Marcin looked down onto the face beside him. It was late at night and dark in the quiet room. They had watched anime together and Mihael had fallen asleep at some point. So he had closed the laptop and decided to try to get to sleep himself as well. But tonight didn’t seem to be any different than the ones before. Not even the sound of Mihael’s breathing and his warmth were enough to save him from his own mind and he was once again forced to spend the night battling his thoughts. 

He was a prisoner of his own mind, chained by his past and inability to be strong. Years after years he had lost so much and the only one to blame for that was himself. If he had been a little more open, forgiving, trusting; maybe people wouldn’t have left him. Maybe then, he would’ve been a little more worthy of love. Just maybe, maybe if he was a bit more stronger, he wouldn't have ended up in such a pitiful state, where he was completely alone. 

He sighed and decided to get up from the bed. Careful not to wake up Mihael, he went over to the window and sat down in front of it. The moon was shining and casting a beautiful glow onto Mihael’s peaceful face. His boyfriend was looking like an angel, and the way the light was illuminating only him made Marcin think about how he was the only light remaining in his life.

Mihael was the only good thought he could think about. He was the calm in the storm of his mind and whenever Marcin thought of him, he would feel a sense of relief wash over him. His voice was the only thing that helped him think straight and keep him alive. Even on that fateful night, where Mihael had found him on the floor of the bathroom, where his mind was telling him to go deeper, Mihael had managed to talk him out and through with that sweet voice of his. His scent was the reason for him to keep breathing and his warmth was the only thing protecting him from succumbing to the coldness of his heart. 

Ever since he met Mihael, he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t have to fight alone anymore. He found someone that made him feel again and Marcin wished to give the man who gave him a reason to live, everything he could and even more. He wanted to give Mihael all the trophies, love, pleasure, attention, and all of himself. But what would giving all of himself mean if he wasn’t worth anything? Mihael was all the colours at one, he was the joy and Marcin’s only hope. He was the scars on his skin and the words “I’m yours" on his lips that he still seemed to taste. Marcin had never went looking for hope, but found him and now he was all over his mind.

Marcin refocused his gaze onto how the darkness and the messiness of the room was swallowing and casting shadows onto Mihael. Maybe Mihael was all he ever wanted, but what if he was nothing for the man that saved him? He was just like the room: dark, cold, messed up. What if him stopping all of his bad habits meant he was harming the beautiful man and taking all of his peace from him? The last thing Marcin would ever want to see or do was to harm Mihael in any way. He already hated himself and could barely survive with that, but the guilt of ruining someone so precious and important would be too much. He was here because of him and for him; but maybe Mihael didn’t want him here. And if that was the truth, what was there to keep him from surrendering to his own mind?

Marcin sighed and looked out of the window, trying to find a way out from the maze that his mind had trapped him in. He had never felt so alone and lost in his entire life and he hated himself for that. He was gazing into the dark sky, when he heard a quiet voice coming from behind him: “Come back to bed.” Instantly turning around, he found Mihael reaching for him. He had his arm extended to the side of the bed that Marcin had abandoned some time ago and was looking at him expectantly. Marcin, not being one to reject an offer of help, walked over and joined him. As he slid under the covers, a soft tone could be heard, breaking the silence in the room: “Why were you up?”

“Nothing, just couldn’t sleep. Why did you wake up though? Do you want some water or anything else?” answered Marcin, who had decided that telling the whole truth would make him a bigger burden to Mihael than he already was.

A few moments passed by and he could feel Mihael hug him lightly as he said: “Couldn’t feel you with me.”

The statement combined with the warmth of the love surrounding him made him smile for a second and he answered: “Oh okay. You can go back to sleep now, I’m here.”

“Only if you do.” was the only response he got and after a few moments of thinking Marcin promised to the person he owed it all that he would go to sleep.

And as Marcin tried his best to do so, just for his love, there was only one thought running through his mind: Was he in Mihael’s head, half as often as he was on Marcin’s mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not sure of what this is but going on with it. Thanks for reading and hope you liked it. When I was searching for a song for this chapter-I came across one of my favourites: Lost My Mind by FINNEAS. And somehow the lyrics just seemed to fit perfectly. Also I had to include how messy Miky's room is, cause that is truly a disaster. I'll stop the rambling here, and sending much love<3
> 
> (btw the end might be bit messy, as I kind of got lost with all the tenses and stuff, so sorry about that)


	3. Nightmares

Mihael wasn’t someone who could sleep early. He would stay up too late watching anime or playing league. He would also walk around the gaming house sometimes. The silence of the usually very loud house and the act of coursing through the darkness of the night had a calming effect on him. He had a certain path he would take every time: walk throughout the halls and go to the kitchen, grab some water and find his way to the living area. There he would spend hours looking out of the big windows and trying to find something to watch. And he would walk back to his room, taking the exact opposite route.

Usually no one would be awake at the hours he was. He would be completely alone with himself and his thoughts. That was the main reason why he found the light coming through the crack of the bathroom door weird. No noise was there and if someone was in there, there had to be at least some kind of it. So naturally he opted into assuming that someone had forgotten to turn the lights off when they were leaving. He decided to turn them off himself (they had enough electricity bills to pay with all the PCs and they didn't need anymore) and made his way over to the door, which was at the end of the hallway.

As he opened the door to reach for the light switch, he was greeted by a sight that he could've never imagined. Marcin was there; lying on the floor, eyes red just like his arms. His usually styled, blonde hair was all messed up, showing that someone had run their fingers through and pulled on it. His body was slumped next to the wall and his skin was somehow paler than usual. But nothing, not even the scars and the blood were as scary and concerning as the look in Marcin’s usually shining blue eyes. The brightness was replaced by an empty look, and his soul, which Mihael could always see through his eyes, just wasn't there. His favourite shade of blue was gone and all he could see instead was dead cold shards of ice that didn’t have a piece of Marcin inside. 

His first instinct was to rush to his side and take away the evilly shimmering piece of metal away from Marcin. He wanted to wash the blood that was trickling down his arms and out of Marcin with his soul, away and heal them in an instant. But as he started moving the dead looking man seemed to realize that he was there.Figuring out that taking the blade himself wouldn't be as easy as he thought, he decided to change his ways.

“Could you please give me that, Marcin?”

He was expecting an answer along the lines of no or maybe a nod if he was lucky but nothing could’ve possibly prepared him for the words that spilled out of Marcin’s unusually faintly red lips.

“I just want to feel something, please let me. I beg you.”

With that a tear made its way down his face and Mihael suspected that it wasn’t the first one tonight and that it wouldn't be the last either. 

“Look at me, please? I don’t know why you are doing this but just give me that and then we can talk, okay? We can even go to your room or even outside, if you'd like”

For a few seconds which felt like centuries, Marcin seemed to think about it, not moving his face. But when he did, despite his wish to help his friend, Mihael wished that he didn’t ask that of him. His own hazel green eyes were met by a pair of tired and desperate looking blue ones. They were half open and his eyelashes appeared to be wet. His eyes were begging Mihael, just like his voice had a few moments ago and his gaze was as frozen as a dead mans.

He reached his arm out and opened his shaking hand. He patiently looked into Marcin’s eyes, trying so hardly to prevent his eyes from trailing downwards. And after a very long pause, he felt something warm hit his palm. He slowly got up and threw it into the bin, despite the looks from Marcin which were once again begging him. He then redirected his focus onto the owner of them and carefully lifted him up from the floor as best he could. Opening up cold water, Mihael put the blood stained arms under the sink and continued to aid them with the little knowledge he had. 

No words were spoken while he did so and the silence was only broken when Mihael asked Marcin if he wanted to go to his room or Mihael’s. “Your’s” was the only answer he got, but it seemed to be more than enough to explain the situation they were in. He had found him, with all of his darkness spilling over and was now trying to keep him safe and away from himself. 

They made their way into his room and slowly under the covers. Mihael hugged him lightly, just to make sure his presence was known and asked Marcin to get some rest. And even after the man closed his beautiful blue eyes, in which he would usually lose himself; he could still see the lost and empty look in them that he had seen earlier. 

Mihael wished this was a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, this is getting worse chapter by chapter but if you did read it despite how terrible it is, thank you so much and sorry. Now that I think about it, I probably should've studied in an another way for my literature exam, but my brain was like "You're writing, you'll write in the exam as well. You're studying in a way" and I just couldn't resist. There is no song for this chapter though, cause I couldn't find any that was fitting, so yeah. Sending much love <3
> 
>   
> (ps. making jankos suffer wasn't enough, so decided to make miky suffer as well)  
> (unnecessary information btw: both miky's and jankos' favourite colour is blue, so do whatever you want with that information)


	4. Unspoken Words

The sun was starting to rise and he could faintly make out the rays of sunshine making their way into the room. He sat up against the headboard and leaned his head backwards before closing his tired eyes. The images of last night came back to him but left him as quickly as they came, leaving him to complete darkness. After a few seconds of resting his eyes, he opened them again. The sun was warming up the room that had been cold all night and he could make out the little dust grains that were floating in the air. He turned his attention to the man lying beside him, who still had one hand placed in his own. 

The morning light and sleep had brought a new look to him. There was a disturbed peace on his face and his breathing was slower compared to last night. He wondered if Marcin looked this normal, only because his eyes were closed. Even the bandages that were wrapped delicately around his wounds were appearing normal. Like they weren't the biggest evidence of what he had witnessed last night. He had bleeded over the bandages and little crimson patches had bloomed over the white cotton. He wondered if they were hurting and causing him pain. 

His face contorted into a pained and worrying expression, while an almost inaudible “oh” escaped his lips. His other hand, that Marcin wasn’t holding onto, moved to the bandages. Careful not to wake him up, Mihael slowly made his way around the garden of crimson red poppies. Every step he took, he saw a new sight and with every new flower he smelled, the pain that coursed through him got stronger.

Marcin was someone beautiful in every way. His laugh was warmth and now that he got a glimpse into what he had been laughing through, it got only warmer. His mind was like a puzzle to Mihael. He was smart, calculated and a fast thinker. But after the poppies showed him what he was hiding, it also became complicated. Marcin was also kind, kinder and purer than anyone his age. There was a childish innocence to the ways of his heart and he knew that Marcin would do anything to help others. But why wouldn't someone so beautiful do anything to save themselves? 

He went around the garden a bit more, exploring even further but still hung up on the question. Marcin was so beautiful that he couldn’t believe it sometimes. He was art for Mihael, the most beautiful piece of art. Yet red little poppies were blocking the way for him to see that. He was precious, worthy and also a part of him. As much as he tried denying it, he couldn’t dismiss the feeling. Marcin was the most beautiful part of him and something was taking that away from him slowly, almost in a torturing way. And maybe the worst part of it all was that he wasn't there to stop them.

After seeing so much crimson red defiling the innocent white, he decided to leave the garden of poppies and looked back around the room. The rays of sunshine were appearing to be stronger and now illuminating the face beside him. Eyes tracing over his features, he tried reimagining the nice, welcoming blue eyes that were Marcin. But no use could be made out of it. Last night the image of his soul was shattered right before him and now all he could see was the eyes that were looking at him when Marcin begged him. Mihael quickly tried to avert his gaze somewhere else. It wouldn't matter to where it was, it just had to be something other than the sight of art that was ruined.

As hazel green eyes were chasing a feather in the room, two blue ones were slowly opened and upon a few seconds of realization the voice of their owner broke the silence and the trance that Mihael was in: “I’m sorry”

He hadn't been expecting but after what happened, he knew better than to assume things or expect anything. He hadn't been expecting to find Marcin on the floor of the bathroom when he took one of his usual nightly strolls, yet here they were. 

“You don't have anything to be sorry for. It's going to be fine.”

He wanted to tell Marcin so much and ask him the questions that have been walking beside him all morning but at that moment those were the only things he could say. His voice had faltered off at the end as well and he didn't know how much he could go on without crying himself.

“No, I’m really sorry. Please forget this all. Forget what happened and forgive me.”

There it was: the same pleading tone that broke something inside of him and made him unable to think properly. 

“No. You know that I can't do that. Come back to bed, please.”

While he had begun his sentence, Marcin had already gotten off the bed and was starting to make his way to the door. Though his pleas didn't seem to be enough as Marcin did only stop at where he was, instead of turning back around.

“I’m fine, I promise. Please forget this all and don't hate me.”

With that, the footsteps of Marcin could be heard again, as he opened the door and left the room after a brief pause, leaving him behind with the unspoken words:

«How can I forget how broken you looked?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, I'm making a mess out of a story, so here's another sad chapter. this is getting out of hand, honestly. but yeah, thanks for reading and (if you somehow liked it)hope you liked it. sending you much love <3


	5. Die Alone

One moment he was playing a game and the next he was slamming the table and sinking to his knees. He had just made a mistake and the screen was now showing the enemy team hitting their nexus. And with every attack against the nexus, he could feel his heart beating furiously in his chest, trying to leave him.

He fell to the floor, his body slowly slipping away from the grasp of his chair. He was searching for air, his chest tightening. With every breath he took, small gasps could be heard in the quiet room. His vision was getting blurry and his mind was racing without giving him a chance to think about anything. Hot tears were also streaming down his face and he was clutching his legs close to his chest with a vain attempt to hold his chest in place. 

Marcin suddenly looked around himself in the short span of time he could find when the clouds started to vanish for a bit. The room was dark and the only source of light was the monitor. The door was closed and he could faintly make out the laughter of his friends and Mihael coming from outside. They were probably having so much fun without him. They were all awesome and talented. Especially Mihael. He deserved the world and could have anything, or anyone for that matter, he wanted but was stuck with a useless and pathetic Marcin. A Marcin, who wasn’t even strong enough to keep up his mental strength during a solo queue game.

He peeked at the light under the door that was carrying the happiness into the room just to show him what he couldn’t have. Marcin felt like he was back to his childhood where he would watch the other kids play together after they had rejected him. He was so alone and truly pathetic. How dumb was he to think he could ever be enough for anything? Memories were slowly filling his cup and flooding his mind, making him relive all the moments where he wasn’t enough in flashes. He hated himself and was scared to live with his terrible self only to die alone. 

Unconsciously, he was now clawing at his thighs, digging his fingers deep into his skin. Tears were still flowing down through his face and down his neck and were meeting up with the rivers that were running red with his blood and anger. He was furious at himself for being so naive and worthless. How could he have thought that he could have something happy of his own? He was useless and always made everything worse. Harsh punches were now being thrown in the air, landing on his legs and head without causing him enough pain to make up for how terrible he was. 

Just as he had raised his arms up once again, he heard a distinct voice crawling into the room all the way from across the door. And Marcin knew exactly who the soft whispers belonged to: to the man he had failed again. He had promised him that he wouldn’t run the rivers red again, but yet he had done it once again. Red marks were adorning his skin. 

Realizing what he had done and afraid of the possibility of defiling Mihael’s love even more, he lowered his hands down and wrapped them around his legs once more. Slowly rolling down onto his right side, he let out an exhausted sigh. He was tired, scared and ashamed. His previous tears had dried on his cheeks and now too tired to even cry, he was lying on the floor with a hazy look. 

He was tired of trying to be enough for Mihael when he could never be. He wasn’t looking for him, but hazel green eyes had found blue ones offering him to hold on together. But now he was feeling like he was losing that hope. Marcin tried looking under the door to the light that was carrying his love. He had always known that one day Mihael would realize he wasn’t worth his love. And now that it was feeling like that day had come and Marcin was afraid of falling even deeper this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably the worst chaper ever but here it is. I started the chapter with the song Die Alone by Finneas in mind but got kinda carried away. Hope you can like it even though how terrible it is and thank you for reading. Sending you all the love (and hugs) in the world <3


End file.
